I’ve been talking a lot about my novels to new friends lately and they all seem caught off guard when they find out I write…(whispers) erotica. It usually leads to a discussion about sex and sexiness and the general perception of this in the real world versus novels. Herein lies my take on that very fun word and concept.
Here’s some of my personal reality for ya: About a year ago I did a pin-up photo shoot. Oh yeah! That’s sexy, right?! Yeah….no.
Well, I will say it was fun and it produced some great photos but I didn’t feel sexy when I did it. Honestly, I knew even then that I did it for the wrong reasons. I was in a very negative place at that point. With the photo shoot I was trying to MAKE myself feel beautiful, sexy, and desirable. But I was down on myself – where I was in my relationships, my work, my health, my appearance – down on my life in general. My photographer did a fabulous job: she made me laugh and relax and got some great photos. I’ll share a few here, because they are important to this post:
(that’s all you get…trust me there were more risqué poses and attire…)
Do you see it?
Do you see what’s missing?
Maybe others don’t notice, but I did. There was a definite “spark” missing in my eyes. That look that tells others, “I’m fun. I’m interesting. I believe in myself. I am damn sexy and you better recognize or move along.”
Oh, I look good enough, I get that. There were definite elements of sensuousness and hints of overt sexuality that should make me feel good about how I looked. But I didn’t feel or reveal that I was (am!) truly sexy.
What is sexy?
I’ve tried to define this a few times, especially for my novels. In order to feel it, one does need to understand it, at least a little bit. As you probably know by now, I like my little quote cards. This one does a pretty good job of defining “sexy” – at least for me.
It’s a little bit of a checklist, isn’t it? Let’s see how (I think) I stack up to this list:
- a sense of humor. – check
- a taste for adventure. – check
- a healthy glow. – working on it
- hips to grab on to. – double check!
- openness. – check
- confidence. – building
- humility. – um…no. 🙂
- appetite. – check
- intuition. – check
- smart-ass comebacks. – noooo. not at all!
- presence. – I think so?
- a quick wit. – check
- dirty jokes told by an innocent-looking lady. – oh HELL yes!
- a woman who realizes how beautiful she is. – working on it
Huh. Lots of checks and agreements on this list.
Go figure, right?
If I had had this quote a year ago, the world would not have those pin-up photos. I wouldn’t have gotten them taken because the answers were very different a year ago. I’d pretty much lost my sense of humor, a taste for adventure and appetite for life. I had little confidence and I was closed off to even those closest to me.
Not long after these photos I realized I was on a severe downward spiral. It was less than 2 months later that I got my BEAUTIFUL tattoo:
To some this seems like boasting. Like a billboard trying to convince others. But, it is in fact just for me. I need(ed) the constant, ever-present reminder that I am indeed beautiful. Inside where it matters and but also on the outside, what people see. And that the outside is actually a reflection of the inside. I didn’t feel beautiful when I got it but now…hell yes!
Earlier this year I started my journey of personal belief – seeing in myself that which others tell me is there. I still struggle with this, of always believing, every day, that I am beautiful and sexy and amazing. But on the whole…I got this. Because I have others who tell me, remind me, inspire me – and I simply let myself believe them. And once I started believing, I started acting on that belief. And it became easier to believe because it was more and more true. A wonderful, amazing cycle.
Well, that’s a very good question. What is the point of this post? Was it just so I could share my sex(y) photos or brag about looking good? No, not really. It’s really about helping others realize they are beautiful, sexy, amazing people. When we share our own personal stories, we can reach others, help them see they aren’t alone. This is just one of my stories but it’s been the hardest one for me to accept. And so I shared it with you. And I hope it helps you.
And now, as usual, I’m going to leave you with some images. Ones that I hope speak to you as they have to me. Ones about accepting yourself, your inner and outer beauty. Quotes to inspire you, to make you laugh, to make you say, “Hell yeah – that’s ME!”. If even one of these does that for you, my work here is done. 🙂