New Year, More ME
Oh yes. It’s that time of year when people make resolutions…and sometimes break them. My plans, however, tend to be less resolution-y and more goal-oriented. And this year, I have just one big one – more ME.
I have to admit – a very different version of this post existed yesterday. I was extremely emotional and upset at the time. Old feelings of unworthiness swirled in my head and my heart was heavy. I questioned the very nature of my being. I was angry, crying and ready to write off all those I cared about. Writing that version of this post was cathartic but it was hurtful to those I cared about. So I won’t post it publicly. Sometimes, you don’t get to see my full soul, but you do get to know that I’m human.
42: the answer to life, the universe, and everything …including ME!
This is the year I’ll turn 42. My favorite number. My magic number. It won’t be a golden birthday; that was when I was 9 (dammit) or won’t be back around until I’m 74 (the year I was born…another dammit). But 2016 and the year of being 42 will be a turning-point year.
I had made the decision yesterday that being kind and caring was chump-work. I needed to be more selfish. I needed to be alone. I was planning on cutting loved ones and more out of my life because they couldn’t live up to expectations. But it wasn’t in earnest. And it wasn’t the real me.
To be me is to be empathic, empathetic, sympathetic, caring, giving, and serving. And it frustrates me when those characteristics aren’t returned to me in some manner, at some level. But because others can’t step up doesn’t mean I need to step off. That’s not how I work.
Yes, I have high expectations of those in my life. Of those I let into my heart, especially. I’m learning that I’m allowed to have standards for how people treat me. But, mistakes happen. Miscommunications happen. Those aren’t reason to remove people from your life. Those aren’t reasons to feel unworthy and angry. Not if you both can talk about it, learn from it and grow accordingly.
So, I’ve revisited my outlook. Assessed my real emotions without the swirl of unworthiness clouding my vision. And I’ve come to the same conclusion but with more positivity versus negativity. This year – 2016 and the year of being 42 – does need to be more about me. But not necessarily at the expense of what I am to others.
New Year, More ME
This year, I’m choosing to no longer be a doormat. I’m choosing to no longer let the actions of others make me feel I’m unworthy of love. When someone doesn’t step up when I need them, they will be told I’m disappointed. And I have a right to feel disappointment. In a situation. In a person’s actions. We all have that right. We all have expectations of how we’re to be treated. If others choose to fall below expectations on a regular basis, well…I hope the screen door doesn’t hit them on the way out. But if they’re trying – if they’re learning and growing same as me – then why wouldn’t I allow them that chance?
And on the vein of growing and learning, that’s what my goals are about. This year, I’m making a commitment to me. A choice to believe in ME. To take care of ME. To grow and learn and embrace the wonderful, worthy, beautiful, amazing ME. I’m making the choice to actually BE.
These are a few of the things I’ll be actively adding to my life in the coming year in the search of the Real Terese:
More peaceful endeavors.
I like taking long walks. Not running, walking. Everywhere. And I don’t do that hardly at all anymore.I have great trails by my house and I need to visit them again. Biking also works for this. And reading by candlelight (with a back-lit Kindle). Bubble baths. Cooking. Singing. Dancing. The things that bring me to a transcendent state (sans drugs). There will be more of these things.
I have a skill that many seem to like. An inherent talent the universe found fit to bestow upon me. So, more noveling, editing, and blogging. And not just doing my craft but honing it. More books on character creation, plotting, editing, story arcs, whatever. Maybe some creative writing classes. No set plans, but you’ll see more of me here, for sure! 🙂
Not just writing, but creation of physical art. I’ve really enjoyed the paintings I’ve made and I want to do more. But I think less wine and more class is needed. So, I’m researching local art classes. The college where I sing in chorus probably offers something as a continuing ed thing. And maybe I can revive the latent talent I showed when I was younger. And even if no one else is impressed – I am!
Yes, my kids are teens. But they still need a mom who is fully engaged. And I haven’t been. I haven’t watched over their homework or projects as I should. I haven’t been actively involved in their sports more than just attending. I don’t do the things I like with them because the bickering drives me crazy – but being a more involved mom would help with that. And while this might seem counter-intuitive to the whole “ME” theme, being a mom is a part of me. A big part. And it’s a part I’ve phoned in for a while. And my kids deserve more than a slacker mom.
More flowers at work.
Yep. Flowers. Particularly lilies. And gladiolus. I like flowers. And I like having them at my desk. And I don’t like waiting for someone else to give them to me – cuz it just doesn’t happen often enough! Last year I declared a “Give Yourself Flowers Day”. For me, I think this will be every other Monday, starting with January 4. I want this prettiness in my life and I’m tired of waiting for others to give it to me. Picking up a couple of bouquets at Price Chopper every other Monday on my way to work will not break the bank – and those seem to last longer than delivered flowers!
Alone in my world has usually meant no one wanted to be with me. That I wasn’t worthy to be with someone. And I allowed myself to believe that! Now, I’m going to embrace “alone” as a personal choice. Walks, painting, disc golf, dancing, trying new restaurants, going to movies, whatever. Doing them alone. By personal choice. Because I’m pretty damn good company and I am enough. As is.
There will probably be more goals/plans. But this is my start. More focus on me and the things I personally enjoy. Maybe that’s a resolution. I prefer goals. Or personal commitments.
What are yours this year? I’d love to read about them!
XO – T.